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daredevilkink2015-06-22 07:24 pm
ddk_mod) wrote in daredevilkink2015-06-22 07:24 pm
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Prompt Post #4
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FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 05:51 am (UTC)(link)With his dad’s voice and his dad’s heartbeat sounding off and rattling around in his eardrums, Matt thinks he gets for the first time why his dad so often lies.
His dad’s hands are on his arms, and his world is black, but he can see so much. He senses everything around him, he doesn’t know where he is but... But it hurts. It really, really hurts.
Vaguely, he remembers the burning in his eyes, before everything went dark. This is worse. This is so much worse.
“You’re okay. Matty, Matty calm down. Hey kid, you’re gonna be fine. You’re in the hospital alright, you-- you gotta stop moving so much. Please Matty, you’re okay, you’re gonna be okay,”
His dad’s heartbeat is like thunder. He wonders if either of them even believe what he’s saying.
He feels the tears wet, wet, wet on his face, and his dad’s callouses rough and hard upon his arms. More than he’s ever felt anything on his skin before. There’s so much more of everything, and yet his world is gone, his dad’s familiar face nowhere to be seen. He’s never felt this much panic, this much of anything, this much fear. He knows he’s crying, he feels it.
This time, he knows his dad’s not gonna end up laughing.
...
St. Agnes is hell and Matt knows it’s because he killed his father.
The Sisters are kind but they cannot always keep him safe. The young blind boy, always confused, always paranoid, jumpy, dorky, small. What can they do?
His mind is in turmoil, his father is dead, and his senses that he had just began to get used to have become impossible to deal with. He can’t tune everything out, he has nothing to focus on. No father, no heartbeat he recognizes. Matt lies in a sea of misery and sound, and touch, and smells, and sound, and sound, and sound...
And he thinks maybe, maybe he understands the letter.
The Sisters are all confused by him. He feels the weight of their stares, their worry, not only for him, but about him. About what’s wrong with him.
What’s wrong with him?
In his dreams he sees flashes of his dad’s familiar features, hears the gunshot pierce through his eardrums with frightening clarity, sees the words of the letter swim behind his closed lids.
‘What we did was a sin against God.’
‘I cannot let my Father know about Matthew.’
‘I have been tarnished...’
‘The Devil inside of you...’
‘Please, consider me dead.’
He sees the split skin of his dad’s face after a fight. Sees the red of his blood before Matt stitched his wounds clean, sees it spilling onto the floor, more and more until it’s all around him. Sees himself in the mirror, his dad’s blood on his hands, his face, and he feels it, and everything goes black.
He wakes up, and when his eyes open, nothing changes.
...
Stick is blind, but he sees potential in Matt. The Devil inside of him suddenly seems like a blessing, rather than a curse. He can get back up, like his dad taught him, he can power through. Make Stick proud. Make someone proud.
He’d disappointed his mother before he even had a chance, he’d disappointed his father, he’d disappointed the nuns at St. Agnes...
Matt gets distracted by the sound of Stick’s feet moving across the cement below them, his next hit catches Matt in the face. There is a resounding crack that echoes through his brain, vibrating again and again. He feels his nose well up with blood, and spits it out when it leaks over his lips and into his mouth. His body begs him to stop, and somewhere inside of him a little boy starts crying.
Tears prick at the corner of his eyes, the wetness shocks him, and he is appalled. No one’s gonna pat him on the head, he probably looks like an idiot, and he can feel Stick’s disappointment in the air, buzzing around his head.
Shut the fuck up Matthew Murdock, he berates himself, do you really wanna do this? Be another disappointment? Do you really wanna be wrong again?
Somewhere inside of him, that little boy stops crying.
Matt tastes the blood on his tongue. When he tries to lash out at Stick, he gets another hit straight to his nose.
...
Maggie, he repeats in his head, as he walks back into St. Agnes. He stumbles through the doorway, disoriented. His pulse is pounding in his head, and he can’t hear anything - except he can hear everything, and that’s the problem isn’t it? His knees are bruised from falling, from finding his way back here from an unfamiliar place, his stomach still sore from Stick’s last lesson. The last one he’ll ever get, Maggie.
The Sisters are confused and concerned, they bustle around him in a rush of noise and sound. What happened? Why are you alone? Did you walk here? Where were you? Are you okay? Matthew? Matthew. Matthew. Matthew.
’I can’t let my Father know about Matthew. Take care of him, as best you can. God help him, and Lord forbid he follow in your footsteps.
Please, consider me dead.
Maggie
He hears a kid snickering from the other side of the room, he smells the dirt on the boy’s clothes and the jam he had for breakfast. He feels the slide of a single drop of blood slowly move down his leg. He feels the nuns hands on his skin, and hears the sound of a woman cursing outside. He smells exhaust and urine and the strange scent of fear, he tastes the salt in the air and his skin feels rough, jagged, sharp. He hears the sound of Stick’s footsteps as they walk out of the room, over and over again until it's all he can hear.
He doesn’t cry.
Maggie, he thinks. A silent mantra, and it calms his frantic thoughts, albeit slightly.
She was lovely, his dad had said. Smart, Matt thinks, so smart. She knew what he was first. She knew he was a sin. She was so kind. Kinder than he deserved.
Abandoning him before he could learn to love her.
...
When Matt dreams the people he’s never seen have faces. He hears Stick behind him and for a moment he wears his father’s face, and the next he hears him leaving, and his face looks back at him, a mix of features he’s seen before. The face changes as Stick walks away, Matt doesn’t recognize any of the features, they don’t even go together right. When he wakes up, he wishes he couldn’t remember what it was like to see. He doesn’t even feel that heartbroken, just resigned. He lays in his bed and remembers that Stick was always meant to leave him. No one would stay, not with him. He asked for too much, he was bad, he was wrong, he got what he deserved.
Maggie, he insists, the familiar name calming his frayed nerves. When he smells the shit of the kid down the hall and another boy’s snoring cuts through his brain like a knife, he thinks her name again, and remembers that she was kind. More than he deserved.
He tries to imagine what she might look like, but all he sees is fire.
Sister Maggie , he thinks of the nuns in their own bedrooms, hears their hearts beating. One, Sister Patricia, walks slowly through the hallways of the building. He hears the sink turn on, and the sound of water against glass, and knows she was thirsty. He wonders if she sees him, sees him for what he is.
Maggie saw it - he does not call her mom, does not dare to - saw his sin. She saw the Devil inside of him. With Stick he thought it could be a for the best, but he should have known better. Should never have forgotten the warning in Maggie’s letter.
Matt goes to Sunday Mass, and he is silent. There are bruises on his arms from where the other boys grabbed him. He can fight back now, he can break them, hurt them, punish them for touching him. Yet he knows that he cannot. He is silent.
The words wash over him like water, cool and clean. He wishes they could cleanse his soul.
What would the Sister’s think, if they knew the Devil sat with them and heard God’s words.
Maybe if he prayed hard enough, to God, to Maggie, maybe they would strike him down. The Devil or the boy, at this point, he didn’t much care which.
A sin, her letter read, a sin against God.
Matt goes to Sunday Mass, and he prays for absolution. There is a feeling behind his eyes that he absently recognizes as sadness. He feels as if he could cry.
Let it out, he admonishes. This makes sense, normal kids cry.
Instead of water on his face there is blood pumping through his heart, twice as fast. He feels his fists clench. He wonders when he forgot how to cry. He wonders when he became so angry.
When Mass is over, Matt stays for hours. He prays, whispering words of praise and confession, but he cannot hear his voice over the sound of his pulse, heavy in his ears.
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 06:00 am (UTC)(link)Um, holy crap anon. This is kind of really amazing. My heart is breaking here. ♡
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 07:15 am (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 01:25 pm (UTC)(link)(And what the wiki said, where Matt calls her out, but she slaps him and he apologizes? wtf? Did I blink and miss Daredevil turning into one of those bad sitcoms where the main character is ALWAYS, inexplicably wrong? (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheComplainerIsAlwaysWrong))
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 07:56 pm (UTC)(link)I hope it isn't too negative! I mean personally I think Matt takes the whole Catholic guilt thing a bit far.
Like yeah, Fuck Maggie, that shit is seriously messed up. When I looked it up to find the reason she left to use it in this I was actually startled by how much it actually fit. Like she actually is a horrible lady!!? I didn't even read that part about when they saw each other again but I went back and read it and seriously?? Matt was basically just life, "My life is pretty bad" and she slapped him and he apologized????????? ??? ?
Like I wanted the letter to just be worded as if she had thought Jack and her's babymakin' had been a sin in general, not Matt himself. But Matt of course would twist that around in his head.
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 07:59 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 08:17 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 11:07 pm (UTC)(link)I have OCD personally and I haven't encountered anything that suggests any type of it in Matt yet, and there's a few strikes against it so far. Someone with religious OCD would not have been able to deal with the moral question of whether or not they should kill Fisk in a rational manner, at all. I haven't seen any truly irrational behavior from him-- There's a difference between being reckless with your health and, say, "I can't go in the kitchen because if I do, being in such close proximity to knives will make me spontaneously develop the urge to kill myself." I find the whole "Devil" theme dubious for someone with that sort of OCD, too. They might be able to toy with the idea for a short time, but a sustained, concerted effort like wearing a Devil costume to beat people up every night and being called the "Devil of Hell's Kitchen"? No. Not if they wanted to have their head in the game while they did it, and the ability to remain functional during the day.
I'd say that perhaps Matt just has a very rigid, serious, focused(read: obsessed) personality. The difference between a personality trait and a mental disorder is whether or not it significantly hinders your daily function. Matt, for all of his issues, seems relatively well-adjusted.
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 12:32 am (UTC)(link)anyway this is a great fic! keep it up!
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 01:02 am (UTC)(link)You can get psychosis as a postpartum symptom?
Wow, reason #355 to never have a baby, ever.
I'm not the author, tho :p This all-anon all-the-time thing can be so confusing...
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 04:08 pm (UTC)(link)Why? Because a lot of people with scrupulosity that involves a lot of religious stuff will focus on a part of the religion that's not that important. Look, here's literally a symptom of scrupulosity for you:
"Scrupulosity is different from normal moral or religious practice because oftentimes scrupulous behavior exceeds or disregards religious law and can focus excessively on one comparatively trivial area of religious practice while other areas are mostly or completely ignored."
This seems exactly like Matt and his fixation on the Devil. The Devil is absolutely comparatively trivial to, say, God or Jesus in Catholicism.
Look, here's some other symptoms of scrupulosity that Matt has:
- pathological guilt about moral or religious issues (literally this is half the show)
- obsessions focus on moral or religious issues (Matt's obsessed with the idea that he might be or become evil, he has a fixation on death, and he has a fixation on behaving morally with a twisted moral system, which is textbook scrupulosity)
- mental of behavioral compulsions (what Matt has: obsessively seeking reassurance from religious leaders and loved ones, acts of self-sacrifice)
So, yeah. Literally everything you said as "strikes against" his having scrupulosity actually fit scrupulosity just fine. And I think a lot of Matt's behavior is irrational and he's not well-adjusted at all. It's not rational to nearly kill yourself and then get right up and nearly kill yourself again *for other people you don't know*.
Those are definitely self-sacrificing tendencies. And he treats the moral question of how to deal with Fisk in a way that keeps with scrupulosity. NO ONE'S SENSE OF MORALITY IS THE SAME, and the morals of people with scrupulosity tend to be really confusing and twisted to anyone but themselves (and even then, they're still confusing), so it actually makes sense that Matt wouldn't immediately be totally unable to consider killing someone. Not everyone with scrupulosity has the same moral code! Not every Catholic has the same moral code! Not every Catholic with scrupulosity has the same moral code! You're thinking of scrupulosity as something surprisingly rational for a kind of OCD, where people have a moral code and they stick to it, and it's the same moral code for everyone.
Look, as a Catholic, there are literally parts of the Bible that Matt could read that would agree with killing people for being Evil. And one of the things about scrupulosity, one of the HORRIBLE things, is that the moral code isn't unshakable, just like Matt's. And then when it's shaken it sends you into a spiral of guilt and terror and fear of being evil. Matt obsesses over killing Fisk for a long time and he continues to obsess over it. I wouldn't be surprised if he had intrusive thoughts of it. He can't think of anything else. He *fixates* on it. He seeks reassurance from Father Lantom over it. I'm sorry, but that seems like scrupulosity to me.
It seems completely irrational for a guy who's obsessed with morality and religion to dress up as the Devil and do what Matt does? Yeah, you actually mention it--since when has OCD been rational?
Sincerely,
A Practicing Catholic With Scrupulosity Who Would Really Appreciate It If People Would Let Her Keep The Representation She's Found For Herself, Thanks
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 06:44 pm (UTC)(link)overall i think probably matt's got an entire grocery list of disorders and issues but because he insists on self-medication or denying that he has any problems to begin with he ends up way worse off than he already is. for example in vol4 he tells his girlfriend kirsten that he's absolutely fine and feeling great and then goes home, takes off his coat, tie, and dress shirt, leaves them all over the stairs, and proceeds to take to the fetal position in his bed. the poor dude just can't get a break. :(
Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-25 10:02 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 03:38 pm (UTC)(link)Re: FILL: For a Brief Moment (2/?)
(Anonymous) 2015-06-24 09:07 pm (UTC)(link)SCREAMS
Matt h o n e y