Foggy still hadn't spoken. It had been days, and Foggy hadn't said one word, not since before Matt had initially found him in his apartment and called Claire. He was awake, and aware of his surroundings, which was a relief. He was eating. He was functioning. But not entirely. Not enough to leave his apartment, or think about their clients, or return to his normal life. Karen and Matt had been taking turns keeping an eye on him and holding down the fort at their office. Neither of them knew what would happen now, how much better they could expect Foggy to get, whether or not they would be able to continue to keep his power a secret. And neither of them were talking about it. It was as though they both believed that if they didn't voice it out loud then they would never have to deal with it. And so the apartment was always unusually quiet, even as their emotions spoke to one another noisily between rooms. Even as Foggy's warmth and love saturated it, from the carpeting to the ceiling and outwards.
The silence worried Matt, but whenever it did he remembered that Foggy knew it worried him, then worried about that, and then had his worry amplified and thrust back at him through their connection. It was an entirely new sensation, like a feedback loop, and one that Matt didn't know if he would ever get used to. One that he didn't know if he would even have to get used to. Was the connection permanent? Would it get stronger, or slowly fade? He had no way of knowing. The entire thing was confusing, and made Matt deeply uncomfortable. He didn't like feeling so completely exposed, so vulnerable.
But then Foggy knew that too now. There was nothing Foggy didn't know about him. In just a few short months Matt had gone from feeling completely alone to forging bonds he didn't know were possible, from keeping so much from Foggy to being an open book who Foggy could read as easily as he breathed.
And then there was Karen to factor in. Matt knew that Foggy had forged a similar connection to Karen. Foggy had been able to occasionally project things she was feeling towards Matt, to help him understand what he was feeling too. But Matt wasn't certain how the woman fit into what was going on, or how much Foggy was sending to Karen about Matt.
He liked Karen. He really did. But he wasn't as close to her as Foggy clearly was. Maybe it was because in the early days of their friendship he had missed so many opportunities to bond with her because of his need to be on the streets. Maybe it was because he deliberately distanced himself from her at times because he knew she found him attractive. Maybe it was because she had spent so much time during their initial conversations together lying, and so had he. But the fact that Karen might know him the way Foggy did, the fact that she knew Foggy the way he did, made Matt more than a little disturbed and jealous.
"Wrong," was the signal Matt got from Foggy as he lay next to Foggy on the living room rug contemplating the situation. The pair had been listening to Matt's iPod together, Foggy with the headphones in and Matt just there next to him. Foggy had always hated jazz, but for some reason now couldn't get enough of it and seemed settled by it. Matt suspected that it had to do with how much he loved it and the good feelings he associated with it. It made Matt happy to share it with him.
Matt knew that Foggy thought that he was wrong about Karen in a lot of ways. The emotions that Foggy projected towards him when he thought about Karen were becoming familiar, like an old argument long since past the point of hard feelings. Foggy knew that Karen was still lying to Matt and had a secret, but wouldn't share with Matt what it was. Foggy thought that Matt should tell Karen about Daredevil, that it was the right thing to do. Foggy thought that Matt had to be honest with Karen about everything, and was certain that Matt would feel better if Karen was honest with him. Foggy knew, and Matt wasn't even sure how he could know if Matt didn't, that Matt and Karen loved each other the way he loved them.
Matt trusted Foggy completely, but he had spent too long being terrified of his own abilities, of what he was capable of, to take the step of confessing to Karen. The thought of it made him remember that horrible day when he'd had to withstand Foggy's accusations and anger, the way it had felt when Foggy had finally walked out the door. Now, with the three of them all being so emotionally intertwined, what would happen if Karen knew the truth? If she blamed Matt for Elena's death, or Ben's? What would it do to Foggy if she left now?
"Wrong," Foggy signaled again, accompanied by feelings exasperation and impatience. "You're both wrong. Idiots."
Matt craned his neck towards the door as Karen entered the apartment juggling grocery bags with her keys before settling everything onto the kitchen counter. "Hi," she said, and Matt knew it was more for his benefit than Foggy's. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and Matt knew it meant that she was nervous about something.
"Hi," he said back, sitting up.
She moved to put the groceries away in the kitchen, but she had brought a tension into the apartment that was palpable.
"Talk to her," Matt felt Foggy insist. "Please." And suddenly Matt felt Karen at the edge of his consciousness, or at least the feelings that Foggy was able to convey that belonged to her. Fear of rejection and abandonment. Anxiety. A bone-deep weariness at knowing what's about to happen. The feelings were so close to his own that it startled him. What possible reason could she have to think that he would reject her?
Next to him, Foggy sighed softly, and Matt knew that the time had finally come to tell Karen the truth. He just had no idea how to do it.
"Karen," he said, "I have to..."
"No, Matt," she said firmly, cutting him off. Matt could tell that she was supporting herself on the kitchen counter to keep herself from shaking apart, but there was a steely resolve in her voice that he recognized as distinctly hers.
"I have something to tell you," she said. "It's important, and it will probably shock you, but I just need to put it out there and so I'm sorry if this seems blunt or is upsetting. I..." She seemed to be struggling to continue, her breathing quickening and her resolve seeming to weaken. "I'm so sorry. I can't..." Tears started to fall and she looked at Foggy, who took off the headphones and went to her, pulling her into his arms.
Matt was confused, but then he felt Foggy's familiar presence expanding into his mind's eye, and he could see. Really see, but not the room around him. A memory, he realized. Karen's memory. She shot Fisk's assistant. He could picture it - the smug arrogance on his face, and then the crimson red of the all the blood. He could feel Karen's terror, but also the calm and sense of power that came over her as the shots were fired. She had killed someone. And not for the first time.
Suddenly, another image, another memory. One that was much more wildly emotional, of a man laying on top of Karen, pinning her down, of helplessness and rage. Matt forced the memory away. He didn't want it. It didn't belong to him, and he had no right to it.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he heard Karen repeating into Foggy's shirt between sobs as he finally came back to the room, once again seeing nothing but sensing everything.
"Karen..." he said in a daze, standing up and making his way towards them. "It's..." he realized what a lie it would be to tell her everything was okay. "I understand," he said instead. "I do. You did what you had to do."
"No," she said sadly. "I don't deserve that. I should go." She pulled away from Foggy, but he held her tightly and looked panicked at the thought that she might leave. So Matt stepped towards her, knowing what he had to do.
"I'm the man in the mask," he said. "I'm Daredevil. I'm the one who saved you that night in your apartment."
"What?" she asked.
"I would do it again too, Karen," Matt said. "Even knowing what I know. Without hesitating. Because you're a good person. You do deserve our understanding, and our forgiveness even if you can't forgive yourself. I just wish..." Matt began to cry too. "I wish that I could have been there. That you hadn't had to make that choice. It was my fault. Everything with Fisk. Mrs. Cardenas. Ben. It was never on you, Karen. After everything you went through, don't put that on yourself too. It was my responsibility."
"No, Matt," Karen said, "All any of us ever wanted was to help people and do the right thing." Matt felt Foggy send him the shock and awe that she was feeling at his revelation.
"How?" she asked.
"Are you sure you want to know?" Matt asked.
"More sure than I've ever been about anything in my life," she said.
Karen looked over at Matt as he sat, still and serene, in the corner of the room on a pillow on the floor. Next to her, Foggy lay asleep on the couch.
They had finally forced Foggy to take a sleeping pill after two and a half days spent alternating between pacing and crying, barely eating and refusing to settle down. They understood why. He radiated waves of emotions of varying intensity at them when he was feeling overloaded. Together, Matt and Karen tried to help him but it was a nearly impossible task given that they didn't even understand the bond that they had forged. It was all trial and error, and none of them had any clue if things were progressing and getting better or not. It was frustrating.
With Foggy asleep, this was only the second time since his confession that Karen had gotten the opportunity to watch Matt meditate. He had explained to Karen how much it helped him and how much he relied on it to keep him from becoming over-sensitized and disoriented, but Foggy's emotional state usually prevented him from focusing or withdrawing into himself without causing a panic.
She wondered if the need to protect the streets of Hell's Kitchen, to be Daredevil, also ran deeper than Matt wanted to admit. He hadn't been able to go out in the suit in weeks, since they were hesitant to leave Foggy alone and unsure what would happen if he got hurt and Foggy sensed it. It meant he was more on edge than usual, feeling claustrophobic and trapped by their connection. They could all feel it. It intensified the situation with each passing day and was wearing all of them down.
As exhausting as it was, it fascinated Karen. Matt fascinated her, which she knew he found both amusing and irritating in almost equal measure. She couldn't help it. She wondered how she got so lucky to have met and ended up part of such a powerful bond with two men with such unique and amazing gifts. What did she do to deserve them? She had only ever been more trouble than she was worth, she was certain.
"Matt," she finally asked. She waited, and after a minute his eyes opened and he shifted positions so that he was facing her, a small smile on his face.
"You do realize I'm trying to meditate, right?" he asked, with only a hint of irritation in his voice.
"Sorry," said Karen. "I'm just..." she trailed off, realizing that she shouldn't have interrupted him.
"Bored?" Matt asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she said, even though she now knew that she didn't have to say it out loud. "It's quiet without you guys."
"Without Foggy, you mean?" Matt asked.
"No," said Karen. "You too, Matt." Matt smiled, and for the first time in a long time it was relaxed and reflected genuine happiness. It made Karen happy too, and she wished that Foggy were awake so that they could both really feel it bouncing back and forth between them, humming through the connection Foggy facilitated for them. With him asleep, things between her and Matt were trickier, more awkward.
"Where did you learn how to meditate?" Karen asked. "Or was it just instinct as you figured out how to use your..." she tried to find the appropriate word, "abilities after your accident?"
"I had a mentor," Matt finally said. "Blind, like me. Well, not exactly like me. He taught me how to control my senses, make them work for me rather than against me. He taught me to fight too. In case you were wondering." Matt was clearly uncomfortable at having to answer the question.
"Huh," Karen said. "So you could teach Foggy then, couldn't you? Help him learn how to control all of the emotions he's picking up on? How to meditate, and how to harness the power he has into something he can use?"
"Me?" Matt asked. "No. What Foggy's going through is completely different than what I went through, Karen. Besides, I wasn't even a very good student, so I can't imagine I'd make a very good teacher."
"You weren't a very good student?" Karen said, surprised. "I can't imagine that being true, Matt. Foggy's told me some pretty intense stories from your law school days. Plus, I've seen you fight. There's no way you weren't a teacher's pet, with those moves."
Matt looked pained. "Trust me, Karen, I know it seems like I know what I'm doing, but I don't. I never have."
Karen never did know when to let something go, and so she pushed the issue. "Come on, Matt. That's crazy! I think we should at least explore the possibility that what you learned could be applied to Foggy's situation. Maybe you could really help!"
"Leave it, Karen," Matt said forcefully, and suddenly Karen experienced the sensation of a memory intruding into her mind. She saw a blind man standing above her wielding a cane like a weapon, felt it beating down on her legs and arms, heard insults hurled like daggers slicing into her, sharp and pointed. As the memory faded, she realized that Matt had crumpled to the floor, upset. There was a hand gripping her wrist, and she followed it to see Foggy staring intently at her, crying, his breathing ragged. "Leave it," she felt.
"No," was the message she sent out forcefully to both of them. She looked again at Matt, felt how he did, small and worthless. It wasn't right. "You were a child," she told Matt. "You were a child and what he did was wrong. He was wrong. There is nobody out there who I have ever met, who he could ever have met, who tries harder, is as determined, is as loyal and smart and kind as you. That shithead never deserved you, Matt. Don't you dare let him make you feel that way. He's not worth it."
She felt a triumphant surge of emotion coming from Foggy, knew that he was agreeing with her and sending the full force of their reassurance and certainty to Matt. She felt Matt calm and heard him chuckle. "I know, Karen," he said finally. "I forget sometimes, so thank you for reminding me, but I know."
"Foggy needs you," Karen told him. "We both do. We believe in you."
"I still don't know if the things Stick taught me, the things I taught myself, will be useful," Matt said. "But maybe. We could try." He looked at Foggy, and got a nod in response.
FILL: A World of Emotions (6a/7)
The silence worried Matt, but whenever it did he remembered that Foggy knew it worried him, then worried about that, and then had his worry amplified and thrust back at him through their connection. It was an entirely new sensation, like a feedback loop, and one that Matt didn't know if he would ever get used to. One that he didn't know if he would even have to get used to. Was the connection permanent? Would it get stronger, or slowly fade? He had no way of knowing. The entire thing was confusing, and made Matt deeply uncomfortable. He didn't like feeling so completely exposed, so vulnerable.
But then Foggy knew that too now. There was nothing Foggy didn't know about him. In just a few short months Matt had gone from feeling completely alone to forging bonds he didn't know were possible, from keeping so much from Foggy to being an open book who Foggy could read as easily as he breathed.
And then there was Karen to factor in. Matt knew that Foggy had forged a similar connection to Karen. Foggy had been able to occasionally project things she was feeling towards Matt, to help him understand what he was feeling too. But Matt wasn't certain how the woman fit into what was going on, or how much Foggy was sending to Karen about Matt.
He liked Karen. He really did. But he wasn't as close to her as Foggy clearly was. Maybe it was because in the early days of their friendship he had missed so many opportunities to bond with her because of his need to be on the streets. Maybe it was because he deliberately distanced himself from her at times because he knew she found him attractive. Maybe it was because she had spent so much time during their initial conversations together lying, and so had he. But the fact that Karen might know him the way Foggy did, the fact that she knew Foggy the way he did, made Matt more than a little disturbed and jealous.
"Wrong," was the signal Matt got from Foggy as he lay next to Foggy on the living room rug contemplating the situation. The pair had been listening to Matt's iPod together, Foggy with the headphones in and Matt just there next to him. Foggy had always hated jazz, but for some reason now couldn't get enough of it and seemed settled by it. Matt suspected that it had to do with how much he loved it and the good feelings he associated with it. It made Matt happy to share it with him.
Matt knew that Foggy thought that he was wrong about Karen in a lot of ways. The emotions that Foggy projected towards him when he thought about Karen were becoming familiar, like an old argument long since past the point of hard feelings. Foggy knew that Karen was still lying to Matt and had a secret, but wouldn't share with Matt what it was. Foggy thought that Matt should tell Karen about Daredevil, that it was the right thing to do. Foggy thought that Matt had to be honest with Karen about everything, and was certain that Matt would feel better if Karen was honest with him. Foggy knew, and Matt wasn't even sure how he could know if Matt didn't, that Matt and Karen loved each other the way he loved them.
Matt trusted Foggy completely, but he had spent too long being terrified of his own abilities, of what he was capable of, to take the step of confessing to Karen. The thought of it made him remember that horrible day when he'd had to withstand Foggy's accusations and anger, the way it had felt when Foggy had finally walked out the door. Now, with the three of them all being so emotionally intertwined, what would happen if Karen knew the truth? If she blamed Matt for Elena's death, or Ben's? What would it do to Foggy if she left now?
"Wrong," Foggy signaled again, accompanied by feelings exasperation and impatience. "You're both wrong. Idiots."
Matt craned his neck towards the door as Karen entered the apartment juggling grocery bags with her keys before settling everything onto the kitchen counter. "Hi," she said, and Matt knew it was more for his benefit than Foggy's. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and Matt knew it meant that she was nervous about something.
"Hi," he said back, sitting up.
She moved to put the groceries away in the kitchen, but she had brought a tension into the apartment that was palpable.
"Talk to her," Matt felt Foggy insist. "Please." And suddenly Matt felt Karen at the edge of his consciousness, or at least the feelings that Foggy was able to convey that belonged to her. Fear of rejection and abandonment. Anxiety. A bone-deep weariness at knowing what's about to happen. The feelings were so close to his own that it startled him. What possible reason could she have to think that he would reject her?
Next to him, Foggy sighed softly, and Matt knew that the time had finally come to tell Karen the truth. He just had no idea how to do it.
"Karen," he said, "I have to..."
"No, Matt," she said firmly, cutting him off. Matt could tell that she was supporting herself on the kitchen counter to keep herself from shaking apart, but there was a steely resolve in her voice that he recognized as distinctly hers.
"I have something to tell you," she said. "It's important, and it will probably shock you, but I just need to put it out there and so I'm sorry if this seems blunt or is upsetting. I..." She seemed to be struggling to continue, her breathing quickening and her resolve seeming to weaken. "I'm so sorry. I can't..." Tears started to fall and she looked at Foggy, who took off the headphones and went to her, pulling her into his arms.
Matt was confused, but then he felt Foggy's familiar presence expanding into his mind's eye, and he could see. Really see, but not the room around him. A memory, he realized. Karen's memory. She shot Fisk's assistant. He could picture it - the smug arrogance on his face, and then the crimson red of the all the blood. He could feel Karen's terror, but also the calm and sense of power that came over her as the shots were fired. She had killed someone. And not for the first time.
Suddenly, another image, another memory. One that was much more wildly emotional, of a man laying on top of Karen, pinning her down, of helplessness and rage. Matt forced the memory away. He didn't want it. It didn't belong to him, and he had no right to it.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he heard Karen repeating into Foggy's shirt between sobs as he finally came back to the room, once again seeing nothing but sensing everything.
"Karen..." he said in a daze, standing up and making his way towards them. "It's..." he realized what a lie it would be to tell her everything was okay. "I understand," he said instead. "I do. You did what you had to do."
"No," she said sadly. "I don't deserve that. I should go." She pulled away from Foggy, but he held her tightly and looked panicked at the thought that she might leave. So Matt stepped towards her, knowing what he had to do.
"I'm the man in the mask," he said. "I'm Daredevil. I'm the one who saved you that night in your apartment."
"What?" she asked.
"I would do it again too, Karen," Matt said. "Even knowing what I know. Without hesitating. Because you're a good person. You do deserve our understanding, and our forgiveness even if you can't forgive yourself. I just wish..." Matt began to cry too. "I wish that I could have been there. That you hadn't had to make that choice. It was my fault. Everything with Fisk. Mrs. Cardenas. Ben. It was never on you, Karen. After everything you went through, don't put that on yourself too. It was my responsibility."
"No, Matt," Karen said, "All any of us ever wanted was to help people and do the right thing." Matt felt Foggy send him the shock and awe that she was feeling at his revelation.
"How?" she asked.
"Are you sure you want to know?" Matt asked.
"More sure than I've ever been about anything in my life," she said.
Karen looked over at Matt as he sat, still and serene, in the corner of the room on a pillow on the floor. Next to her, Foggy lay asleep on the couch.
They had finally forced Foggy to take a sleeping pill after two and a half days spent alternating between pacing and crying, barely eating and refusing to settle down. They understood why. He radiated waves of emotions of varying intensity at them when he was feeling overloaded. Together, Matt and Karen tried to help him but it was a nearly impossible task given that they didn't even understand the bond that they had forged. It was all trial and error, and none of them had any clue if things were progressing and getting better or not. It was frustrating.
With Foggy asleep, this was only the second time since his confession that Karen had gotten the opportunity to watch Matt meditate. He had explained to Karen how much it helped him and how much he relied on it to keep him from becoming over-sensitized and disoriented, but Foggy's emotional state usually prevented him from focusing or withdrawing into himself without causing a panic.
She wondered if the need to protect the streets of Hell's Kitchen, to be Daredevil, also ran deeper than Matt wanted to admit. He hadn't been able to go out in the suit in weeks, since they were hesitant to leave Foggy alone and unsure what would happen if he got hurt and Foggy sensed it. It meant he was more on edge than usual, feeling claustrophobic and trapped by their connection. They could all feel it. It intensified the situation with each passing day and was wearing all of them down.
As exhausting as it was, it fascinated Karen. Matt fascinated her, which she knew he found both amusing and irritating in almost equal measure. She couldn't help it. She wondered how she got so lucky to have met and ended up part of such a powerful bond with two men with such unique and amazing gifts. What did she do to deserve them? She had only ever been more trouble than she was worth, she was certain.
"Matt," she finally asked. She waited, and after a minute his eyes opened and he shifted positions so that he was facing her, a small smile on his face.
"You do realize I'm trying to meditate, right?" he asked, with only a hint of irritation in his voice.
"Sorry," said Karen. "I'm just..." she trailed off, realizing that she shouldn't have interrupted him.
"Bored?" Matt asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she said, even though she now knew that she didn't have to say it out loud. "It's quiet without you guys."
"Without Foggy, you mean?" Matt asked.
"No," said Karen. "You too, Matt." Matt smiled, and for the first time in a long time it was relaxed and reflected genuine happiness. It made Karen happy too, and she wished that Foggy were awake so that they could both really feel it bouncing back and forth between them, humming through the connection Foggy facilitated for them. With him asleep, things between her and Matt were trickier, more awkward.
"Where did you learn how to meditate?" Karen asked. "Or was it just instinct as you figured out how to use your..." she tried to find the appropriate word, "abilities after your accident?"
"I had a mentor," Matt finally said. "Blind, like me. Well, not exactly like me. He taught me how to control my senses, make them work for me rather than against me. He taught me to fight too. In case you were wondering." Matt was clearly uncomfortable at having to answer the question.
"Huh," Karen said. "So you could teach Foggy then, couldn't you? Help him learn how to control all of the emotions he's picking up on? How to meditate, and how to harness the power he has into something he can use?"
"Me?" Matt asked. "No. What Foggy's going through is completely different than what I went through, Karen. Besides, I wasn't even a very good student, so I can't imagine I'd make a very good teacher."
"You weren't a very good student?" Karen said, surprised. "I can't imagine that being true, Matt. Foggy's told me some pretty intense stories from your law school days. Plus, I've seen you fight. There's no way you weren't a teacher's pet, with those moves."
Matt looked pained. "Trust me, Karen, I know it seems like I know what I'm doing, but I don't. I never have."
Karen never did know when to let something go, and so she pushed the issue. "Come on, Matt. That's crazy! I think we should at least explore the possibility that what you learned could be applied to Foggy's situation. Maybe you could really help!"
"Leave it, Karen," Matt said forcefully, and suddenly Karen experienced the sensation of a memory intruding into her mind. She saw a blind man standing above her wielding a cane like a weapon, felt it beating down on her legs and arms, heard insults hurled like daggers slicing into her, sharp and pointed. As the memory faded, she realized that Matt had crumpled to the floor, upset. There was a hand gripping her wrist, and she followed it to see Foggy staring intently at her, crying, his breathing ragged. "Leave it," she felt.
"No," was the message she sent out forcefully to both of them. She looked again at Matt, felt how he did, small and worthless. It wasn't right. "You were a child," she told Matt. "You were a child and what he did was wrong. He was wrong. There is nobody out there who I have ever met, who he could ever have met, who tries harder, is as determined, is as loyal and smart and kind as you. That shithead never deserved you, Matt. Don't you dare let him make you feel that way. He's not worth it."
She felt a triumphant surge of emotion coming from Foggy, knew that he was agreeing with her and sending the full force of their reassurance and certainty to Matt. She felt Matt calm and heard him chuckle. "I know, Karen," he said finally. "I forget sometimes, so thank you for reminding me, but I know."
"Foggy needs you," Karen told him. "We both do. We believe in you."
"I still don't know if the things Stick taught me, the things I taught myself, will be useful," Matt said. "But maybe. We could try." He looked at Foggy, and got a nod in response.