Mike appears in NYC and makes his way to Matt's apartment in the middle of the day, wearing the suit, and nobody sees him or remarks on it or anything?
You change verb tenses in the middle of chapter 2. Chapter 1 is in present tense, then chapter 2 starts in past tense and switches over suddenly to present tense. In chapter 5, you're back to past tense again, and so on. Pick one tense and stick with it.
In chapter 2, Mike says he'll explain everything after coffee, but the only thing he explains is that he fell off the Bifrost. There's not a word about the fact that he's also Matt Murdock, even though Matt is thinking that everything about him is familiar, there's no mention of alternate universes, or what Mike was doing on the Bifrost in the first place.
And obviously, he'll be stuck in Matt's universe if he can't get back onto the Bifrost. Wouldn't he want to contact the Avengers at some point in an attempt to get in contact with Thor and through him, Heimdall, and try to get back that way?
Would Matt really recognize his "own" voice coming from another person? Often when we hear our voices from a recording, they sound different than we expected. Wouldn't it be the same coming from another person?
You definitely need more description in this, especially explaining who everybody is. But don't dump all the description into long paragraphs (also known as info-dumps.) Stretch it out, a little bit here and little bit there, between bits of dialogue.
The word "it's" is always short for "it is." If you want the possessive pronoun, it's "its." As in "the city is in its shifting state."
In chapter six, you switch points of view. Mostly, this story is told from Mike's POV, but suddenly, you have lines like "Matt felt the vibrations pass through him in a gentle wave" or "Matt nodded against his shoulder. He couldn’t imagine that kind of life, not yet, but t had seemed to make his counterpart steadier, more settled in himself, so it probably wouldn’t be that bad." These are definitely from Matt's POV, not Mike's. This is also known as "head-hopping" and it can confuse the reader. "Hey, wait a minute, here I was in Mike's head, listening to what he hears, feeling what he feels, how come I'm suddenly feeling what Matt feels and thinking what Matt thinks?"
For those of us who don't know the comics and only know the TV show, who is Kirsten and what is she to Mike? Same for Milla. What happened between them to make Mike react in such an emotional way?
You might want to be more detailed about the differences between Mike's universe and Matt's, not just one line here about Foggy being sick or having treatment. Treatment for what, by the way?
Some of the chapters are so short as to be annoying to me as a reader, but other people might not be so affected.
Re: Concrit Thread
Mike appears in NYC and makes his way to Matt's apartment in the middle of the day, wearing the suit, and nobody sees him or remarks on it or anything?
You change verb tenses in the middle of chapter 2. Chapter 1 is in present tense, then chapter 2 starts in past tense and switches over suddenly to present tense. In chapter 5, you're back to past tense again, and so on. Pick one tense and stick with it.
In chapter 2, Mike says he'll explain everything after coffee, but the only thing he explains is that he fell off the Bifrost. There's not a word about the fact that he's also Matt Murdock, even though Matt is thinking that everything about him is familiar, there's no mention of alternate universes, or what Mike was doing on the Bifrost in the first place.
And obviously, he'll be stuck in Matt's universe if he can't get back onto the Bifrost. Wouldn't he want to contact the Avengers at some point in an attempt to get in contact with Thor and through him, Heimdall, and try to get back that way?
Would Matt really recognize his "own" voice coming from another person? Often when we hear our voices from a recording, they sound different than we expected. Wouldn't it be the same coming from another person?
You definitely need more description in this, especially explaining who everybody is. But don't dump all the description into long paragraphs (also known as info-dumps.) Stretch it out, a little bit here and little bit there, between bits of dialogue.
The word "it's" is always short for "it is." If you want the possessive pronoun, it's "its." As in "the city is in its shifting state."
In chapter six, you switch points of view. Mostly, this story is told from Mike's POV, but suddenly, you have lines like "Matt felt the vibrations pass through him in a gentle wave" or "Matt nodded against his shoulder. He couldn’t imagine that kind of life, not yet, but t had seemed to make his counterpart steadier, more settled in himself, so it probably wouldn’t be that bad." These are definitely from Matt's POV, not Mike's. This is also known as "head-hopping" and it can confuse the reader. "Hey, wait a minute, here I was in Mike's head, listening to what he hears, feeling what he feels, how come I'm suddenly feeling what Matt feels and thinking what Matt thinks?"
For those of us who don't know the comics and only know the TV show, who is Kirsten and what is she to Mike? Same for Milla. What happened between them to make Mike react in such an emotional way?
You might want to be more detailed about the differences between Mike's universe and Matt's, not just one line here about Foggy being sick or having treatment. Treatment for what, by the way?
Some of the chapters are so short as to be annoying to me as a reader, but other people might not be so affected.
Hope this helps! And just keep writing.